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eyesthatslayI survived yesterday's hunting excursion...and I'm off work all freaking week!! I'm all about giving thanks!! See me give thanks in a big way.
I'm on turkey watch already, since it is in my fridge thawing. I have to do the finger poke test thing on it's vunerable, plastic-wrapped flesh at least twice daily to see how it's going. The poor thing has no privacy, and I'm sure it is bitter about these repeated violations.
You know those thawing guides they print on the sides of the turkey wrapper? The ones that give you the time frame to thaw X lbs of frozen turkey in the fridge? Well, they lie their bee-hinds off. If is says it takes 3 days to thaw in the fridge...it will still be frozen solid as a cinder block, and you end up having to do the frantic cold water thaw to get the thing ready to roast. Trust me...I know from vast experience. So this year I got smart. I put that puppy in the fridge a whopping 7 days before T minus turkey day. Now I just have to pray against that pesky food poisoning possiblity. See me be all rebellious and brave.
I suddenly feel the urge to share possibly the strangest turkey story every told, and it is all true folks.
Once upon a Thanksgiving a long time ago, and years before the hubby...
There was me, my thawing turkey, and my German Shepherd.
I had accomplished the usual frantic cold water thaw, and placed the still-wrapped turkey on the counter top. Realizing that I had forgotten to purchase a foil roasting pan, I shot a panicked glance at the clock and saw I had a 15 minute window to get my rear to the nearest store before they closed for the holiday. I grabbed the keys and made it in plenty of time, and sucessfully acquired the perfect foil pan.
As I drove home, I had this moment of feeling all smug. I had averted holiday disaster in the nick of time, and with superhero brilliance. As I was considering how I would look in a cape and tights, I unlocked my front door, and walked into the kitchen.
It was like a scene from a slasher film. I dropped everything I was carrying, denting the precious pan in the process, and clapped a hand over my mouth which had fallen open in horror. My beautiful turkey was on the floor, and it....had no a$$. I blinked in disbelief. The turkey's a$$ was just gone!!
I stood stupefied for 2 full minutes to let it sink in. Then my eyes narrowed, my head swiveled slowly to behold my German Shepherd sitting in the kitchen corner, trying unsucessfully to appear innocent. What she didn't realize was that it doesn't take a freaking Shelock Holmes to deduce the situation when she and the a$$-less turkey had been alone, and she is sitting there with greasy lips.
You know how you hear about people going beserk with rage, and doing all kinds of crazy stuff? Well, I was one of those people. I. lost. my. mind. The next thing I know I grabbed the a$$-less turkey by one drumstick with such force, that what remained of the plastic wrap fell off. I stalked towards my dog, and gritted out. "You want the freaking turkey?...Huh? Well, guess what! You're gonna get the freaking turkey!" Well, she soooo didn't want the turkey any more, but it was too late for that.
In a moment of channeling Joan Crawford beating her daughter with a wire hanger, I spanked my dog with the turkey. The only thing missing from this scene was cold cream on my face. All I can say is thank God it was thawed or it would have really hurt. She could run, but she couldn't hide. I whipped her all over the kitchen with that turkey.
At one point on a down swing...the little packet that housed the gizzards and neck flew out across the room. When it was all over, that dog didn't even want to look at a turkey anymore. The kitchen was a mess, and I had one very limber, and tenderized turkey on my hands. I tossed the turkey into the sink, and cleaned up the kitchen. I grumbled, and griped to myself the whole time, going on and on about how I couldn't believe after all that thawing, I wasn't going to have a turkey. It just really pissed me off, cause I live for Thanksgiving turkey, and the boyfriend at the time was due to come over for dinner.
All the stores were closed now, and even if they weren't....turkeys take forever to thaw. I started looking thoughtfully at the battered turkey in the sink, and once again the rebellious, brave, and possibly insane side of me kicked in. I declared loudly to myself, and my startled dog... "By God it is Thanksgiving and I am going to have a @#$%*&! turkey!" I snatched up the a$$-less turkey, and gave the damn thing a bath. I washed, and scrubbed it's a$$-less carcass with anti-bacterial soap, slapped it into my dented foil pan and roasted that sucker. I was beyond giving a damn, I was going to have turkey....I was going to eat it, and I was going to like it. I cut the breast meat out of it, and tossed the rest, and we had Thanksgiving turkey.
After that day, my dog never, ever stole a morsel of food off the counter again. Lesson learned in a big way.
I think back and you know, it is a darn good thing someone from the Humane Society didn't look in my window, cause they would have gotten me for abuse of a corpse, as well as animal cruelty. :)
Now, in all honesty, for those of you who think. OMG! Dog beater!! I didn't hurt my dog, just scared the bejeebus out of her (who wouldn't have been with a crazy chic spanking you with a raw turkey). She got loved on, and a bath while the @$$-less turkey was roasting. All was forgiven, but not forgotten, cause she didn't get a morsel of leftover turkey as her remaining punishment.
No a$$-less turkey issues now, cause my current doggies are waaay to short to reach anything above the ankles. :P
I'm on turkey watch already, since it is in my fridge thawing. I have to do the finger poke test thing on it's vunerable, plastic-wrapped flesh at least twice daily to see how it's going. The poor thing has no privacy, and I'm sure it is bitter about these repeated violations.
You know those thawing guides they print on the sides of the turkey wrapper? The ones that give you the time frame to thaw X lbs of frozen turkey in the fridge? Well, they lie their bee-hinds off. If is says it takes 3 days to thaw in the fridge...it will still be frozen solid as a cinder block, and you end up having to do the frantic cold water thaw to get the thing ready to roast. Trust me...I know from vast experience. So this year I got smart. I put that puppy in the fridge a whopping 7 days before T minus turkey day. Now I just have to pray against that pesky food poisoning possiblity. See me be all rebellious and brave.
I suddenly feel the urge to share possibly the strangest turkey story every told, and it is all true folks.
Once upon a Thanksgiving a long time ago, and years before the hubby...
There was me, my thawing turkey, and my German Shepherd.
I had accomplished the usual frantic cold water thaw, and placed the still-wrapped turkey on the counter top. Realizing that I had forgotten to purchase a foil roasting pan, I shot a panicked glance at the clock and saw I had a 15 minute window to get my rear to the nearest store before they closed for the holiday. I grabbed the keys and made it in plenty of time, and sucessfully acquired the perfect foil pan.
As I drove home, I had this moment of feeling all smug. I had averted holiday disaster in the nick of time, and with superhero brilliance. As I was considering how I would look in a cape and tights, I unlocked my front door, and walked into the kitchen.
It was like a scene from a slasher film. I dropped everything I was carrying, denting the precious pan in the process, and clapped a hand over my mouth which had fallen open in horror. My beautiful turkey was on the floor, and it....had no a$$. I blinked in disbelief. The turkey's a$$ was just gone!!
I stood stupefied for 2 full minutes to let it sink in. Then my eyes narrowed, my head swiveled slowly to behold my German Shepherd sitting in the kitchen corner, trying unsucessfully to appear innocent. What she didn't realize was that it doesn't take a freaking Shelock Holmes to deduce the situation when she and the a$$-less turkey had been alone, and she is sitting there with greasy lips.
You know how you hear about people going beserk with rage, and doing all kinds of crazy stuff? Well, I was one of those people. I. lost. my. mind. The next thing I know I grabbed the a$$-less turkey by one drumstick with such force, that what remained of the plastic wrap fell off. I stalked towards my dog, and gritted out. "You want the freaking turkey?...Huh? Well, guess what! You're gonna get the freaking turkey!" Well, she soooo didn't want the turkey any more, but it was too late for that.
In a moment of channeling Joan Crawford beating her daughter with a wire hanger, I spanked my dog with the turkey. The only thing missing from this scene was cold cream on my face. All I can say is thank God it was thawed or it would have really hurt. She could run, but she couldn't hide. I whipped her all over the kitchen with that turkey.
At one point on a down swing...the little packet that housed the gizzards and neck flew out across the room. When it was all over, that dog didn't even want to look at a turkey anymore. The kitchen was a mess, and I had one very limber, and tenderized turkey on my hands. I tossed the turkey into the sink, and cleaned up the kitchen. I grumbled, and griped to myself the whole time, going on and on about how I couldn't believe after all that thawing, I wasn't going to have a turkey. It just really pissed me off, cause I live for Thanksgiving turkey, and the boyfriend at the time was due to come over for dinner.
All the stores were closed now, and even if they weren't....turkeys take forever to thaw. I started looking thoughtfully at the battered turkey in the sink, and once again the rebellious, brave, and possibly insane side of me kicked in. I declared loudly to myself, and my startled dog... "By God it is Thanksgiving and I am going to have a @#$%*&! turkey!" I snatched up the a$$-less turkey, and gave the damn thing a bath. I washed, and scrubbed it's a$$-less carcass with anti-bacterial soap, slapped it into my dented foil pan and roasted that sucker. I was beyond giving a damn, I was going to have turkey....I was going to eat it, and I was going to like it. I cut the breast meat out of it, and tossed the rest, and we had Thanksgiving turkey.
After that day, my dog never, ever stole a morsel of food off the counter again. Lesson learned in a big way.
I think back and you know, it is a darn good thing someone from the Humane Society didn't look in my window, cause they would have gotten me for abuse of a corpse, as well as animal cruelty. :)
Now, in all honesty, for those of you who think. OMG! Dog beater!! I didn't hurt my dog, just scared the bejeebus out of her (who wouldn't have been with a crazy chic spanking you with a raw turkey). She got loved on, and a bath while the @$$-less turkey was roasting. All was forgiven, but not forgotten, cause she didn't get a morsel of leftover turkey as her remaining punishment.
No a$$-less turkey issues now, cause my current doggies are waaay to short to reach anything above the ankles. :P
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-11-24 07:40 am (UTC)Can't. Breathe.
Must. Stop. Laughing.
Bwahahahahahaha...
no subject
Date: 2003-11-24 10:35 am (UTC)Hee. This story brings back all those fond memories of the lengths you go to in order to make a point.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2003-11-24 04:55 pm (UTC)You'll never look at a turkey the same way again...I know I never will. :P
no subject
Date: 2003-11-24 07:55 am (UTC)And...you ate it! Bwhahahaa!
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Date: 2003-11-24 04:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-24 09:34 am (UTC)Poor a$$less turkey! LMAO!
Sorry, I must go dab at my eyes.
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Date: 2003-11-24 05:00 pm (UTC)So sorry that I snuck this one in on you. :) It's not everyday you get the chance to share an a$$less turkey story with someone....I just couldn't help myself. :P
no subject
Date: 2003-11-24 06:17 pm (UTC)Ok I'll share my traumatize the dog story. A number of years back my brother in law and his wife sent me a tissue puppy (one of those fuzzy covers for you box of Kleenex that's shaped like a poodle). I was so pissed at the cheap ass Christmas gift; I turned around and wore it as a hat. Freak the dog out so bad he peed on the carpet and then spent the next week running away from me (even when I was sans tissue puppy) as if his ass was on fire.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-24 07:04 pm (UTC)Along the lines of dog trauma, I did once make my dog wear the trash can as a hat for about 30 minutes or so. I figured since she loved getting into it, she might as well wear the damn thing. That nipped it right in the bud. :D
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Date: 2004-11-23 08:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-23 09:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-23 11:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-23 11:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-23 11:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-23 11:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-23 12:00 pm (UTC)"You want the freaking turkey?...Huh? Well, guess what! You're gonna get the freaking turkey!" Well, she soooo didn't want the turkey any more, but it was too late for that.
There are no words to properly describe how funny that is.
I washed, and scrubbed it's a$$-less carcass with anti-bacterial soap, and slapped it into my dented foil pan and roasted that sucker.
::cries with laughter::
I wonder if your dog ever told that story to her appreciative doggy friends?
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Date: 2004-11-23 12:06 pm (UTC)I'm sure she was far to humiliated to share, lol! :D
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Date: 2004-11-23 02:33 pm (UTC)Oh God, everyone in the room just looked at me so strange. I couldn't stop laughing. Best. Turkey. Story. EVER.
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Date: 2004-11-23 02:57 pm (UTC)Lol! I'm glad you got a good laugh out of my adventure! :D
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Date: 2004-11-23 04:41 pm (UTC)Better watch for the little doggies too though.. heh. I have a chihuahua and she knows how to get to the table by jumping on the chairs.
Best story ever.
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Date: 2004-11-23 04:51 pm (UTC)Aww! chihuahua's are so cuuute! My poms never jump up on the dining chairs...one is too short, and the other is scared she'll fall off. :)
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2004-11-23 10:15 pm (UTC)*stops and reads it again*
"At one point on a down swing...the little packet that housed the gizzards, and neck flew out across the room."
*dies again*
That, my dear, is one priceless Turkey Day (as I like to call Thanksgiving) story. I'm never looking at a holiday meal the same way again!
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Date: 2004-11-23 10:20 pm (UTC)Seriously though, thanks so much for making me smile!
(no subject)
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Date: 2004-11-24 01:10 am (UTC)That was the best fucking story ever! I can totally picture you chasing your dog with the turkey leg. (Mostly because every now and then my cats mess things up and I have to scare the bejeesus out of them too.)
Oh, now you made my belly hurt with all the laughter.
*wipes tears from eyes*
(Hi, by the way. Anno. Like your icons lots.)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-24 01:53 am (UTC)I can totally picture you chasing your dog with the turkey leg.
Actually, it was the entire turkey - just minus it's a$$! :D
Hi, by the way. Anno. Like your icons lots.
Hello! Thanks so much. :)
(no subject)
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From:no subject
Date: 2004-11-24 06:35 am (UTC)I just called my sister and my mom and read this to them, and could hardly get through the reading without breaking down in hysterics.
First off, the storytelling? I adored it, the way you built it, so wonderfully done. And secondly, that is so typical of the dog and the seeming innocence. I love that. My dog was a goat, he ate everything. We went out one night and he ate a pound and a quarter of raw salmon we accidentally left on the table. Another night, he ate 12 bran muffins. Another time, he ate a tub of Vaseline. The list is endless... But i do specifically remember anXmas morning, i think the first with him and my mom was preparing the turkey and tossed the pack of giblets into the trash and Ty grabbed it. We got it away and tossed it out again and again, he got it. You'd think we'd wise up. But no, we jsut tossed it out again and when he got it, we had to chase him around the house, trying to get it from him and when i ran after him down the stairs and then back up the stairs and by the time i got a hold of him, he jsut stared back at me smacking his lips. In the running, he had fully chewed it up and swallowed it up and was rather contented with himself.
They certainly add to life, huh?
Thank you sooooo much for this laugh, i must go put it in my memories and rec it in my LJ, because everyone must giggle at the tale of the ass-less turkey. Everyone, i tells ya :)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-24 02:03 pm (UTC)Omgosh! It sounds like you had your share of fun with Tyler! The tub of vaseline. *snort* I can only imagine the fun that lead to later for the poor puppy.
Mine also ate part of my floor, my eyeglasses, and a entire box of face powder. I once bought her a green squeaky frog, and it disappeared...I wondered where it had gone until I looked out into the yard, and saw a pile of poop with this tiny green hand sticking out of it, like it wanted help. Hee. She was so naughty! and yes they do add so much to life. :D
I'm so glad you enjoyed my story, and shared it with your Mom and Sis. :D Thanks for sharing yours too!
(no subject)
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Date: 2004-11-24 07:18 am (UTC)I am sitting here, with tears running down my face.
Thank you for sharing - LOL!
And how *brave* were you to still cook the turkey!
no subject
Date: 2004-11-24 02:32 pm (UTC)Thank you for sharing - LOL!
And how *brave* were you to still cook the turkey!
You're welcome! I think it was less bravery, and more "person pushed over the edge"! :P
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Date: 2004-11-24 07:44 am (UTC)I'm so glad
*still laughing*
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Date: 2004-11-24 03:01 pm (UTC)Bwah ha ha!
Date: 2004-11-24 10:09 am (UTC)Re: Bwah ha ha!
Date: 2004-11-24 08:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-22 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-24 02:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Thanks for sharing :)
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Date: 2005-11-24 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-11-22 10:09 pm (UTC)*smooches*
Thanks for sharing, it totally made me giggle and turned my whole day around!
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Date: 2005-11-24 02:49 pm (UTC)*huggles*
I'm glad you enjoyed it, hon! :D
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Date: 2005-11-23 02:46 pm (UTC)That's so fncking hilarious! Poor dog!
Bwahahahahahaha!
Must be quite soft and juicy when it came out?
So it was just you and your then-bf for dinner?
no subject
Date: 2005-11-24 02:50 pm (UTC)Oh, it was all tenderized. :P
Yes, it was just me and the current BF. Hee. :D